I do not fit into social situations very well, even if they are just one-on-one interactions. It has been this way ever since I was a child. I consider myself a social outcast as it is difficult for me to relate to and be accepted by others in a group or in one-on-one situations. Not to say that people hate me, but it feels like I am neutral to everyone so they are not biased towards me and I am not terribly memorable to them like a background character in a movie. This makes being social difficult because when no one really thinks about you. How are you supposed to know how to act?
So that is sort of a loaded question. I am awkward when I talk to people and can barely hold a 3-minute conversation because It is hard for me to find topics to talk about that are not completely dorky. This also makes my social skills a little lackluster because I lack the experience of normal social interactions. Let’s step back a bit and I will explain my situation.
I attended a pretty small school, imagine about 20-26 kids throughout your basic school career so having a having friends seemed to be limited. You would think that with this small of a class size that at least everyone would be friends on some sort of level, but sadly we were not. As the years progressed, you could see the class separate themselves into different niches depending on your academic level and who you were. In a small town, having a certain last name automatically made you think you were more popular than others. Anderson was not one of those name. I was that kid that parents felt sorry for and made their kids invite me to their birthday parties.
Any who, I had about 4-5 close friends depending on the year and life went on. It wasn’t until we reached high school when I really saw that I was the odd one out. My friends and I would go to youth group and they would make more friends, but not me. They were able to interact with others and through out topics like it was nothing. Really, I was only able make 1 friend early on and interact with, but she had ceased coming to youth group after a while. Time went on and still considered those 4-5 friends as close friends, but the feeling was not reciprocated. They hung out together and with the youth group kids, but seemed to leave me out of their plans.
Back at school, I had come to realized that one of the reasons why my friends might actually be my friends is because they were stuck with me for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for the whole school year. I guess with this mindset I started to distance myself and I got a job at a local Wal-Mart. Even here I seemed alone, but at least it held a purpose. To pass the time until graduation and to earn some money. As the years went on, other kids would talk to me, but I always thought it was because I was smart and they just wanted help with some homework. I got smart senior year and got paid a little to help out some of the students.
During high school, I was fortunate enough to get a girlfriend who was ironically from the youth group and is now my wife. We bonded over an upcoming solo and ensemble event that we both were participating in and somehow I was able to come up with more topics to talk to her about. I still felt distant from my friends as they continued to continue planning events together without me, but at least I was not alone anymore. Thank God she came along because I had some rough times that nobody knew about, not even my mother. Let’s just say I had bad thoughts that would have had terrible consequences, multiple times at different stages of my life.
School was not the only way that I felt like a social outcast, but also within my family. I was the odd one. I liked technology, but grew up in a family could not afford the latest and greatest. Most of what my family, extended family included, talked about consisted of either automotive, medical, work or sports talk. None of this interested me which made it harder to even interact with my own family.
As you can guess, I was lonely at times throughout my life, but I turned out ok. Video games helped with this. They gave me a false sense of belonging as I took control of the main character. People depended on me. People sought me out to give me quests. They made me feel important and was ok with that because I knew that a my life would change and be different after high school.
I was right, sort of. I have a family and a house and great job, but I still consider myself a social outcast. I have a small group of friends I barely talk to and we want to hang out, but they do not understand that I have kids. I cannot just rush off on a whim to hang out and ditch my family. I have responsibilities for myself and others that they cannot seem to comprehend. Even at work I can barely talk to others unless it is about work. They plan outings after work and will ask me if I want to go, but as soon as I mention that I do not drink they completely drop the subject as if they think I am shaming them for consuming alcohol. For the record, I just don’t drink because I don’t want to not because I think alcohol is bad.
I was lonely before, but now I am not. Granted that my wife and I do not have the biggest social life, at least we can be alone together. I am ok with being lonely. I see other people and think of the bad decisions they make and how I may have ended up like them if I had more socially influenced. Being alone isn’t so bad. I have a great sense of not being socially obligated to do certain things like drink. Heck, I even have things to do if I am feeling all alone like making and editing videos for a YouTube channel that I help maintain or even playing some trusty video games.
Have you ever been socially cast aside? Leave a comment below with your story or how you cope or have coped with being a social outcast.
My final words for this is if you feel socially outcast, either talk to someone or find a meaningful outlet, such as blogging, vlogging or even keeping a journal. There is always somebody out there who has an open ear. Especially with the internet, there is always a group that you can try to join and ways to cope with feeling all alone.
Don’t give up. You are loved.
